The Inner Reality of Child Abuse
by
Marianne Broug
I am sure that many people who come to this site have been abused as children. I originally had no desire to go into the specifics of my childhood in this site, but as certain events are moving in my life, I feel I must indeed write something.
Yesterday I received a letter from my mother. Over these past months I had sought to initiate a relationship with my parents, in which I could fully embody who I am. I tried in many ways to tell them of my fears, my hurt, my terrors and my psychic distress. I brought up specific instances of my childhood in the hope that they might acknowledge what had happened between us in some way.
My parents’ response has been one of almost total denial. I sit here and I want to write a response to them that will somehow help them to understand, or to see what has happened from my point of view. I find myself wanting to reiterate specific details in the hope that they might somehow "see". But I now realise that such an endeavour would be utterly futile. The reality of abuse does not lie in the specific events or the details, however awful or however trivial they may be.
Therapists, psychologists, counsellors thrive on child abuse. In their world it is important to confront a painful childhood in every way. It is important that I feel and express my hurts, that I understand what really happened and that I relive and "work through" every detail. At times they almost seem to have a hierarchy of child abuse. They focus on sexual abuse above all else, as though it is only when abuse is of a sexual nature that it can be damaging. Or they say that certain sorts of abuse are "okay" but others are not. But this all misses the point entirely. Concentrating merely on the OUTER facts of what happened completely disregards the inner reality
I have never heard a therapist ask the question, "… but WHY is child abuse so painful?" "… WHY are the effects so lasting?" "WHY are they so traumatic?" (This seems to merely be taken as a given). Child abuse or any sort of abuse is so painful because it is the ultimate denial of someone’s fundamental humanity.
SCENARIO – A child sees a look on her father’s face. She knows that he is angry. She has been told a thousand times by her mother she must be quiet and good when he is angry. She starts to feel fearful and apprehensive. That feeling translates into a scared look on her face. Her father sees that look, and tells her that he does not want to see that look on her face. She is confused because that look feels like the most natural thing in the world. She starts to cry because she does not know what to do. Her father says that he has enough to worry about and does not want to see her miserable face in front of him. He says that if she does not stop crying she is going to be spanked. She says "I can’t help it, I didn’t do anything wrong". He says "well I wasn’t angry at you before, but now I certainly am. Your crying is ridiculous. You are always a crying and miserable child and I don’t want to see that sort of face around here". He approaches her with his hand held open as if he might slap her at any instant. She doesn’t want to be hit, so she stops crying straight away. Her father turns to her mother and laughs. He says "see it was all just sheer rubbish as usual".
This episode "only" involved the threat of abuse. But that is irrelevant. The fact is that it COMPLETELY DENIED THE CHILD’S INNER REALITY. Both parents are obsessively focussed on outward behaviours, and are saying that what the child feels on the inside and how the child interprets the events that are unfolding simply does not exist. And because in their minds it does not exist, they can therefore treat the child in any way they see fit in order to meet their own needs.
In order for the child to survive and make sense of the world, she must eventually go along with this, and also doubt the validity and legitimacy of her insides. She has no choice but to believe that her insides are dangerous and unreliable, and only her parents’ insides are valid. She begins to put everyone else’s insides above her own, and so she begins to doubt and deny the validity of her inner self or soul. And it is that denial that first and foremost is painful. Horrendously breathtakingly painful.
I have only just begun to fully comprehend that going back to the acts of abuse is only necessary inasmuch as it is might be a path back to self. I see more and more clearly that it is not the "past events" that are causing the suffering in the present, but the relationship (or lack of relationship) with an inner self or soul. From this very point in the here-and-now stems the pain. We can see so clearly HOW that pain originally came about, but we have to address the reality of WHY it continues to be so painful in the present. The precipitating actions in the outer world are all completely secondary.
My mother’s letter is full of accusation and denial and she continues to focus only on outer reality. Not for one instant does she acknowledge that my twenty years of suffering, my sadness, my pain, my fear, my terror, my "hysteria" have (or had) any validity or meaning in my internal world. For my parents they are (and were) merely "things" without meaning that are there to get rid of because they do not like them.
And yet in her letter she wants me to acknowledge everything she has done for me in the most minute detail. She wants me to acknowledge her pain and her suffering, her sacrifices, and her inner reality without realising for a moment that in every way, she denies me just that. She wants me to touch her in her very soul, put my arms around her and say "you are whole, you are loved, you have done everything right my dear mother". And yet it is my parents’ inability to do just that for me in any unconditional way even to this present day, that has resulted in my intense suffering in the first place.
It is no small wonder that my path to wholeness involves creating a web site, in which my most vehement assertion is that EVERY LITTLE SINGLE THING ABOUT YOU IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, because I see so clearly how every single little thing in my inner world was denied. EVERY SINGLE THING. And I realise that for my parents this was necessity. They felt that only by denying me in my being, could they truly become whole and happy in themselves. If their daughter was smiling and happy, loving and giving, agreeing and nodding in every respect, only then could they feel whole and good about themselves. And they believed and still believe that to accuse and deny, to assert their will and power, and to find fault is the only way to bring that about. But for a child (and for the adult she has become) it is that denial of Self, every day, and in every small way, that is the most damaging and the most devastatingly difficult to articulate, simply because it is so completely and utterly INVISIBLE.
Every thought and feeling we ever had as children (and as adults) was meaningful and represented a valid perception about our reality. The articles, the writing, the quotes etc. in this site all support that assertion. We need to find a philosophy, a therapist, a friend or anyone, who will validate our right to be whole, and take us in as a whole being.
It is all about relationship. All we want is a deep soul connection with ourselves, with others and with the world around us. That is all.
