my story, my writing, my art

home - meaning of depression

my story

my soul

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articles by Peter Wilberg

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'I  want to die.
I have no reason for continuing with this miserable existence.
I am worse than ever.
I hurt in my head and stomach but most of all in my being.
I need help. I can't do this on my own.
But where do I find that help?
Nothing makes sense.
Everything is confused.
There are only bits everywhere that don't add up.
It is time to leave but I am too cowardly to kill myself.
If only there was some purpose or meaning to it all I wouldn't go.
I have ruined this life.
I so much wanted to make a go of it but now I don't have any strength left.
The pain is extreme.
I thought I had seen all the pain I could ever see but apparently not.
I thought I had been as anxious as I could ever be but apparently not.
Perhaps death will be a relief.
I want relief. I want an answer. I want a way out that is bigger than all of this.
I can't fight any more.
My little world of lovely precious things no longer equals out the pain.
... I want to go ... '

Journal entry - 1988

Reaching for Inner Self (detail)

If you have lived or are living these words, then this web site is for you. If you are trying to help someone who is living these words, then this web site is also for you.

How old was I when I wrote these words? I was twenty-eight. But I could just as well have been twenty-four, thirty-five, forty … They tell my story more truly than any other words I could write here ... and so perhaps they also tell yours. I have often come to these points of utter desperation in my life. I wanted so much to find a way to live in the world ...

For over twenty years I suffered with endless bouts of depression, severe anxiety, craziness, illness and incapacity. And for over twenty years I sought healing and answers. I felt that any road to wholeness must include both the physical and the metaphysical (spiritual), so while trying to find answers from psychiatry, behavioural psychology, psychoanalysis, psychotherapy and bodywork, I also explored Buddhism, Hinduism, meditation, and The New Age. And although some of these traditional therapies, techniques and spiritually-minded pursuits had much to offer, their answers were only ever partial. I realised that although I had steadily acquired more knowledge and information about the world, my childhood and my everyday life, on some fundamental level not a great deal had ever changed. I could make some progress but it inevitably took only one more personal crisis or one more painful remembrance to catapult me back into misery. I could not understand why as a reasonably intelligent, astute and feeling person, with so many avenues of healing available to me, I was not able to live my life with a degree of contentment and happiness. It seemed there would always be one more thing that I was doing wrong, one more thing that needed to be fixed or one more aspect of my past that I needed to delve into and confront.

I had not been able to find the answers I was looking for in sciences and techniques because they were only looking at the physical reality and outer appearances of the world. They could only ever answer the age old philosophical questions like “Who am I?”, “Why am I here?”, “How do I live my life in a meaningful way?” with the reply “This is how you do things”. They could only tell me what to do or what not to do. They could only propose that life be lived as a methodology or as a machine (a broken one), but such a life was ultimately a life without meaning or purpose - a life which precluded any notion of spirituality - an Inner Self or soul. 

In my exploration of spiritual paths and the New Age I had been continually confronted by the fact that my immense suffering seemed to have no place. They talked of a world of lightness, and bliss and happiness. And although these were indeed qualities that I hungered for, I also knew on some level that any view of reality had to account for ALL of my experience in a way that was meaningful for me for me in the present. I felt that the horrors I was going through had to be just as 'spiritual' and just as much a part of my valid experience as the bliss! I knew that any spiritual path had to encompass soul in my everyday life (when I argued with my partner, played with my dogs or screamed my desperate pain) and not just in a room, sitting quietly for hours in meditation, when I chanted someone else's three-thousand year-old holy words or when I hung crystals around my neck. At other times it seemed to me that although these paths promised age-old depths, in the light of the modern world they had become one more in a succession of 'Do's and Don'ts'.

From 1998-2000 I increasingly despaired of ever finding a way to live in the world. I lay in bed and for the first time I completely gave up. I decided I would have to live like a robot - get a job, keep busy, and then die. I decided I couldn't think too much, or feel too much. There was nothing else to do. 

Pieces of Self

Who am I? (detail)

 

Closed Mouthness

Then in the year 2000 I met counsellor and social worker Andrew Gara (his articles and an interview with him appear in introductory articles). At that time he had worked for approximately sixteen years in the public mental health system with people who suffered from depression, personality and/or behavioural problems and other emotional difficulties. Despite their own and other’s best efforts, these people had often remained “stuck”. What I found of particular appeal was that Andrew was passionately interested in the nature of the inner world, metaphysics, consciousness and the psyche.

Andrew believed that lasting change in people’s lives was only possible when they could get in touch with their soul - and see ALL of lived experience, our body, feelings, thoughts, and actions (what we call 'ourself') as one WHOLE meaningful expression of that soul. He was saying 'ALL the answers to your life are within you, none of them need to come from outside', 'don't follow my technique, my words, my person - only listen to your inner Self or soul'.  To me this was the ultimate path. The most complete path, simply because it put ME at the top of the heap (not Jung, not Freud, Sai Baba, not anyone, not a lot of words, not a lot of symbols, not a lot of practices, not a lot of demands ... ).

He recognised that a therapist's role was not to be a technician, 'expert' or 'guru'  but rather to relate to and receive the client on this fundamental and complete level. Only then could a client start to relate to themselves and make changes on this level.  When I thought back over the times that I had made improvements I realised that they had never come about through a technique or a medicine or a religious imperative. They had always come about because I had been deeply connected with myself or others (whether that be a therapist or a friend) on a deep level. In all traditional healing paths, this connection was never acknowledged valued or understood.

Within this view of reality my suffering and my depression and indeed any illness (see articles by Peter Wilberg on Depression and meta-medicine), were not seen as weaknesses or problems that I had to get rid of as soon as possible. Depression was as natural as a sneeze, as natural as childbirth, as natural as a fever. It was the solution.  I learnt that my depression was a valid and meaningful expression of life's questions and that it's message was to withdraw, go inwards and connect with a deeper self. All the times of hideous depression were the natural way we all have of telling us that we are living (or have been forced to live) a life unable to listen to, heed and then embody our inner reality .... our soul. The fact that I had been unable to find a lasting and all-encompassing healing was simply because there had been no path that had addressed me and my reality at its fundamental level. There was never any address made to what a human being actually is ... who I am! (The idea that one might seek to heal something when there is no mention made of what that something actually is, seems bizarre to me now!)

In the past I had found that any mention of soul or inner worlds was somehow cloaked in ambiguity and imprecision. It seemed to be something that was incapable of being properly defined. But in the early works of Peter Wilberg, he stresses that the opposite is the case. The articles presented on this site outline in clear detail, what it is that constitutes our soul. He takes our soul as primary reality, and shows that in no way is it separate from our everyday reality. Every last bit of lived experience makes sense. It is meaningful.

Patterns of Fear

Embodied Pain

The changes of these last years are immense. I still have ups and downs but I live from a reality in which I am able to put them into a much bigger context. Despite all the societal, religious, scientific or parental demands to the contrary I know that I can rely on, listen to and live from this reality above all else. As such I am able to change, grow, take on more of who I am, take on more of others in ways I had not thought possible. When I am truly in touch with my soul I can truly touch and be in touch with the rest of the world, whether that be another person, a sunset, a tree or a dog. I can embody the depths, understandings, beauty, sensitivties and compassion that I found in the darkness.  I am a valid, purposeful, creative human being. We all are.

I hope you will wander through my web site and take in the enormous wealth  that is contained in it. It is an appeal to your intelligence and your Inner Knowing that you and everything that you have ever done, thought, and felt makes sense in every way, despite whether it necessarily 'feels good' or not. Nothing about you is wrong.

Please also read my many personal notes that are spread throughout this site. Rather than just coldly putting in articles, I have added comments about their relevance in my life. Those on the My Soul or Quotes page are a good starting point. As far as articles go, my interview with Andrew Gara and also his piece Helping People Change on the Introductory Articles page are all good preliminary material, as are Peter Wilberg's articles on Depression and particularly his Basic Questions.  

brief bio ...

I was born in Sydney in 1959. I was a professional musician and music teacher, and am now a writer and artist, having had a music book for children - 'Flute with a Twist' - published by Bushfire Press in 2003. Throughout my life I have been involved in music and the arts. I attended the NSW Conservatorium of Music High School and then completed a Bachelor of Music at Sydney University. I have performed extensively throughout Australia in all arenas of music. In 1985 I moved to Adelaide to play flute and piccolo with the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra. I have also sold numerous art works, several of which are distributed through this site. I am currently writing a book on depression and a book on mental illness will be published by Wakefield Press late in 2007.

For over twenty years I suffered from recurring depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks, and resultant incapacity. In an attempt to find answers to my suffering I pursued many different avenues of healing and personal growth work offered by the sciences (psychiatry, psychology etc), spiritual paths and philosophies of both the East and West. Although many of these different paths had much wisdom to offer, their ability to elucidate suffering and illness in all its forms, particularly that which is commonly termed ‘mental illness’, was only ever partial. Although I could make some gains, it inevitably took only one more personal crisis to bring back the old despair. Something was always missing.

It seemed that all these paths offered no fundamental and all-encompassing view of what it means to be healthy, a view within which all of life could ultimately make sense, a view that would encompasses the full range of human experience, from the mundane to the mystical. Even as a young child I felt that human suffering was in some way an invitation to learn and grow beyond the everyday measure of normality and societal conditioning, an invitation from a greater consciousness to participate more fully in who we are as human beings. But rather than see these concepts as esoteric ideals only accessible to the chosen few, I hve sought a practical and down-to-earth path that would offer all people a deeper sense of meaning and connectedness not only with themselves, but with the everyday world. This is the path that she wishes to convey through this web site.

I live in the Adelaide Hills and have two very feisty Jack Russell terriers.

Go to quotes and notes for more of my comments and inspirations on topics like creativity, depression, science, life etc. Go to my soul for more about soul.

The Inner Reality of Child Abuse - I had not intended to write a great deal about my past on this site, or about child abuse, but as I was creating this site, certain events in my life led me to do otherwise. I realised that I had never fully understood the past until I could see it in terms of the inner reality.

The Call to Life - The Call to Write -  I had always felt that I had to speak someone else's words in order to be a valid human being - the words of my parents, of religion, of science. This is a short piece about how I came to find my own words, and how at the same time I found a world I could live in - a world of soul. It also expounds the similarity between writing words and writing one's life - to write words I must listen to the meaning within and then find the words to fit. To live my life I must listen to the meaning within and then find the actions to fit. This piece also expands some of what I have written above.  

An Australian Soul - My relationship to the Land, the country I live in, and the profound similarities and parallels to my relationship with soul. Just as we inhabit only a small part of our reality, so we inhabit only a small portion of Australia - and yet behind our backs is the richness of Central Australia/our soul.

Out of Body
 

 
Dance of Life

Comment on my art:

I have been painting and drawing for many years. At first I merely copied other people's ideas and other people's art work. I realised that I was very good at painting 'in the style of someone else'. Some artists have since told me that this was a valuable way of learning (particularly as I have absolutely no training beyond a few evening classes). I certainly do agree, but for me there was a lot more to it than that. As with my words and my life, I only ever felt that the art work of someone else was worthy - and as such I painted things that were virtually irrelevant to my own life - toucans, frogs, bamboo, Mexican scenes. But slowly I started to experiment - my meticulous pencil drawings gradually became a little messier. The edges started to blur. I started to enjoy the satisfaction (and the relief) of the hard scratching of my pencil on cardboard. The actual act of drawing or painting became a journey in itself. Then I started to experiment in the same way with my paintings. They got bigger and bigger. The edges were loud and bold and the colours grew in intensity. Some of my messiest momentary expressions were in actuality my greatest personal triumphs:
 

Through my art I gradually got in touch with a freedom that I did not allow myself in any other setting. I was painting from 'felt sense', from that sense of meaning that comes before words or symbols, from my soul. Only once that came through in my art did I start to allow myself that freedom in writing, and then gradually in my everyday life (still a work in progress).

My flute book - 'Flute with a Twist' - is available from Bushfire Press. It is a fun and original resource for student and teacher to enjoy together. It contains Variations, Duets and Trios, musical games, puzzles. Classical, Jazz, Contemporary styles.

Contact - Marianne Broug - please see bottom of home page

a reminder.

All materials, paintings and writing by Marianne Broug on this site are Copyright © Marianne Broug 2004/2007
No material on this site is to be reproduced for commercial purposes.
As a courtesy, for other than commercial purposes, use of my work (without the website logo) can be requested.  Thankyou.